|1||I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus||2:55|
1982: Michael Jackson returns with his only other top-40 charting track, "Beat It". "Beat It" spends 1 week at number 39 and is mostly forgotten by the mainstream public, but is still regarded as a "cult classic" by hipster types who have thick-rimmed glasses and ironic moustaches. The music video for "Beat It" is preserved in the Library of Congress for its gritty but educational portrayal of inner city gang violence.
1983: Seymour, Indiana native John "Cougar" Mellencamp takes America by storm with his anti-establishment anthem "Authority Song". Riots break out in 14 major North American cities, although ultimately the riots are deemed unsuccessful as the protesters are systematically imprisoned for lengthy and unglamorous sentences and the vice-grip of authority is merely strengthened.
1987: Mellencamp, in a festive mood due to a recent parole and vowing not to be outdone by "some loser kid from the Region", re-records "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" while injecting his trademark mix of heartland soul and fierce hip hop beats. Due to a savvy viral marketing campaign and the permissive digital downloading laws of the late 80's, the track would eventually go on to move almost 13 million units, prompting Mellencamp to declare "Suck it, Jacko, I'm the king of Christmas."
1988-2012: No music of any kind is recorded by any artist hailing from Indiana.
2013: The Figbeats record "A Very Hoosier Christmas", incredibly improving on all three of the notable tracks discussed above. When asked how the band could possibly pull off such a feat, guitarist Bob Shields remarks "We just plugged in and laid it down. I could do this stuff in my sleep. Where's my limo?"
Cover Art by Chris Leather